Evening, 30 minutes
Many thoughts arise and fall away, just random thoughts, no particular attachment to any of them. Beginning to see some possibility of balance between attention to the breath and noticing arising experiences. Feels sort of wobbly now. Cat sits beside me on the ottoman and begins purring. Notice the feeling of the room, an earthy, nurturing, safe feeling, and with the cat beside me, comforting.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
July 4, 2008
30 minutes
Sitting with eyes closed. Thoughts arise about why I prefer that way of sitting. It feels like when I close my eyes, I am closing the source of intellectual stimulation, allowing the thinking mind to be quiet and another part of the mind to surface. The usual time of feeling that I am controlling the breath, and the breath assumes a natural rhythm. I remember several instances of making small adjustments to my posture. Several times I become aware of tension in my knees and consciously relax that. There are several flies buzzing around the meditation room this afternoon. Thoughts arise about this seemingly aimless flying around. Is it really? Do I sometimes live my life in this way? And, then the fly buzzing became a droning music. Each fly has its own tone. I observed an element of fear arise when one of the flies came too close, a violation of my space, or fear of something I don't understand? A little of both, I suppose. The timer goes off. With my eyes open, I see a fly on my blanket, meticulously cleaning its front legs with its mouth parts, cleaning each surface of its wings with its back legs, and then rubbing its back legs together. Cleaning the middle set of legs with its front legs moistened from its mouth parts. And the fly becomes an individual.
Sitting with eyes closed. Thoughts arise about why I prefer that way of sitting. It feels like when I close my eyes, I am closing the source of intellectual stimulation, allowing the thinking mind to be quiet and another part of the mind to surface. The usual time of feeling that I am controlling the breath, and the breath assumes a natural rhythm. I remember several instances of making small adjustments to my posture. Several times I become aware of tension in my knees and consciously relax that. There are several flies buzzing around the meditation room this afternoon. Thoughts arise about this seemingly aimless flying around. Is it really? Do I sometimes live my life in this way? And, then the fly buzzing became a droning music. Each fly has its own tone. I observed an element of fear arise when one of the flies came too close, a violation of my space, or fear of something I don't understand? A little of both, I suppose. The timer goes off. With my eyes open, I see a fly on my blanket, meticulously cleaning its front legs with its mouth parts, cleaning each surface of its wings with its back legs, and then rubbing its back legs together. Cleaning the middle set of legs with its front legs moistened from its mouth parts. And the fly becomes an individual.
July 3, 2008
Night, 30 minutes
Breathing at first felt controlled. As I sit for a little while, I feel my heart beat slowing. Thoughts surface, don't remember what they were, just thinking. Hearing the cat explore the room, hear him drinking from my water glass. Feeling the structure of my body, the muscles and bones, but not really feeling that it's me. Toward the end, I notice the tendency to fall into a sleepy state. I startle about three times, having fallen asleep, and then wake suddenly. The timer goes off.
Breathing at first felt controlled. As I sit for a little while, I feel my heart beat slowing. Thoughts surface, don't remember what they were, just thinking. Hearing the cat explore the room, hear him drinking from my water glass. Feeling the structure of my body, the muscles and bones, but not really feeling that it's me. Toward the end, I notice the tendency to fall into a sleepy state. I startle about three times, having fallen asleep, and then wake suddenly. The timer goes off.
July 1, 2008
Morning, 30 minutes
Resting with my breath. At first it feels controlled, and then as I sit, it feels more relaxed and natural. The sound of flies buzzing around the room. It sounds like there are two of them, just aimlessly flying around. Then, one of the lights on something, and I hear only one. I wonder what makes them buzz, the motion of their wings, I suppose. Toward the end, I fall into a sleepy state and hear the timer go off.
Resting with my breath. At first it feels controlled, and then as I sit, it feels more relaxed and natural. The sound of flies buzzing around the room. It sounds like there are two of them, just aimlessly flying around. Then, one of the lights on something, and I hear only one. I wonder what makes them buzz, the motion of their wings, I suppose. Toward the end, I fall into a sleepy state and hear the timer go off.
June 22, 2008
This session was spent with a part of my attention on my breath. Breath seemed to be natural at times. At other times it seemed unnaturally slow and deep, my attempt to calm myself in the midst of arising thoughts. Rehearsing conversations. Labeling it all thinking, but was not successful in returning attention to the breath. Thoughts kept arising. I am able to feel the frustration that arises with the thoughts. Avoiding meditation because I didn't want to experience these undesirable thoughts and emotions.
June 19, 2008
Evening, 30 minutes
Begin by bringing attention to my breath, notice an itch on my right cheek. Asked myself what it is, a prickly, almost painful sensation. I resist scratching it, and it goes away. Breath feels controlled, so I switch my attention to the ringing in my ears. I think to myself that it sounds like crickets or tree frogs or the white snow noise on the television. It's very loud tonight. It is impossible for me to control it. A thought comes that the sound isn't real in the same way that other sounds are, produced by sound waves. No one else can hear it but me. It's produced by some failure of the sensory nerves in the ear. I experience the sound, and a feeling of transparency, of a mysterious non-being comes to awareness. I fall into a sleepy state and notice that the sound becomes softer in volume. So, does the sound depend on my consciousness? The timer goes off.
Begin by bringing attention to my breath, notice an itch on my right cheek. Asked myself what it is, a prickly, almost painful sensation. I resist scratching it, and it goes away. Breath feels controlled, so I switch my attention to the ringing in my ears. I think to myself that it sounds like crickets or tree frogs or the white snow noise on the television. It's very loud tonight. It is impossible for me to control it. A thought comes that the sound isn't real in the same way that other sounds are, produced by sound waves. No one else can hear it but me. It's produced by some failure of the sensory nerves in the ear. I experience the sound, and a feeling of transparency, of a mysterious non-being comes to awareness. I fall into a sleepy state and notice that the sound becomes softer in volume. So, does the sound depend on my consciousness? The timer goes off.
June 5, 2008
Breathing at first seemed controlled. Lots of rumbling from my stomach, knowing that it is my stomach, but yet not much physical sensation in my abdomen, mostly awareness of the sound. Sound of my heartbeat. Thoughts arising. Haven't slept all night and yet don't feel sleepy. Toward the end, a feeling of resting in my experience.
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