Resting In What Is

July 6, 2008

2008-07-07T02:31:00.000-07:00

Evening, 30 minutes

Many thoughts arise and fall away, just random thoughts, no particular attachment to any of them. Beginning to see some possibility of balance between attention to the breath and noticing arising experiences. Feels sort of wobbly now. Cat sits beside me on the ottoman and begins purring. Notice the feeling of the room, an earthy, nurturing, safe feeling, and with the cat beside me, comforting.

July 4, 2008

2008-07-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

30 minutes

Sitting with eyes closed. Thoughts arise about why I prefer that way of sitting. It feels like when I close my eyes, I am closing the source of intellectual stimulation, allowing the thinking mind to be quiet and another part of the mind to surface. The usual time of feeling that I am controlling the breath, and the breath assumes a natural rhythm. I remember several instances of making small adjustments to my posture. Several times I become aware of tension in my knees and consciously relax that. There are several flies buzzing around the meditation room this afternoon. Thoughts arise about this seemingly aimless flying around. Is it really? Do I sometimes live my life in this way? And, then the fly buzzing became a droning music. Each fly has its own tone. I observed an element of fear arise when one of the flies came too close, a violation of my space, or fear of something I don't understand? A little of both, I suppose. The timer goes off. With my eyes open, I see a fly on my blanket, meticulously cleaning its front legs with its mouth parts, cleaning each surface of its wings with its back legs, and then rubbing its back legs together. Cleaning the middle set of legs with its front legs moistened from its mouth parts. And the fly becomes an individual.

July 3, 2008

2008-07-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

Night, 30 minutes

Breathing at first felt controlled. As I sit for a little while, I feel my heart beat slowing. Thoughts surface, don't remember what they were, just thinking. Hearing the cat explore the room, hear him drinking from my water glass. Feeling the structure of my body, the muscles and bones, but not really feeling that it's me. Toward the end, I notice the tendency to fall into a sleepy state. I startle about three times, having fallen asleep, and then wake suddenly. The timer goes off.

July 1, 2008

2008-07-06T11:40:00.000-07:00

Morning, 30 minutes

Resting with my breath. At first it feels controlled, and then as I sit, it feels more relaxed and natural. The sound of flies buzzing around the room. It sounds like there are two of them, just aimlessly flying around. Then, one of the lights on something, and I hear only one. I wonder what makes them buzz, the motion of their wings, I suppose. Toward the end, I fall into a sleepy state and hear the timer go off.

June 22, 2008

2008-07-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

This session was spent with a part of my attention on my breath. Breath seemed to be natural at times. At other times it seemed unnaturally slow and deep, my attempt to calm myself in the midst of arising thoughts. Rehearsing conversations. Labeling it all thinking, but was not successful in returning attention to the breath. Thoughts kept arising. I am able to feel the frustration that arises with the thoughts. Avoiding meditation because I didn't want to experience these undesirable thoughts and emotions.

June 19, 2008

2008-07-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

Evening, 30 minutes

Begin by bringing attention to my breath, notice an itch on my right cheek. Asked myself what it is, a prickly, almost painful sensation. I resist scratching it, and it goes away. Breath feels controlled, so I switch my attention to the ringing in my ears. I think to myself that it sounds like crickets or tree frogs or the white snow noise on the television. It's very loud tonight. It is impossible for me to control it. A thought comes that the sound isn't real in the same way that other sounds are, produced by sound waves. No one else can hear it but me. It's produced by some failure of the sensory nerves in the ear. I experience the sound, and a feeling of transparency, of a mysterious non-being comes to awareness. I fall into a sleepy state and notice that the sound becomes softer in volume. So, does the sound depend on my consciousness? The timer goes off.

June 5, 2008

2008-07-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

Breathing at first seemed controlled. Lots of rumbling from my stomach, knowing that it is my stomach, but yet not much physical sensation in my abdomen, mostly awareness of the sound. Sound of my heartbeat. Thoughts arising. Haven't slept all night and yet don't feel sleepy. Toward the end, a feeling of resting in my experience.

June 3, 2008

2008-07-06T11:10:00.000-07:00

Morning meditation.

Breath soon assumes a steady rhythm, imaginary conversations, thoughts. Some deep, relaxing breaths. Notice tension in my legs and relax them. Hear the cat prowling among the boxes on the floor. A question arises: What prevents me from having a steady practice? Thoughts about that -- my tendency to just let life flow along without a plan. Returning to breath, even and steady. Thought arises of the song YMCA by the Village People. I see their gimmicky costumes, hear their voices, watch them do the hand movements YMCA. Wonder where that came from.

June 3, 2008

2008-07-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

Evening, 30 minutes

In the beginning, a feeling of tension in my face. I can feel that I am making a crease between my eyebrows. A feeling that I am controlling my breath. Thoughts come and go and swing wildly between work and relationships, imaginary conversations. Stomach gurgling, hearing my heartbeat, the sounds of trains. And then, toward the end, almost incidentally, my body begins to feel light, my breath free, almost like it is just breathing without a body. I feel transparent, light, almost unreal, but very present.

Sounds

2008-03-06T03:08:00.000-08:00

Sitting with the intent of cultivating a gentle presence, a gentle awareness. My first impression is of the peacefulness of silence. Then I begin to hear things: the rumbling of my stomach as it digests my food. I hear the ringing in my ears, a high-pitched white noise effect. I hear the droning sound of an engine from outside. It seems like it arrives in waves, as if the sound is baffled by the buildings between me and its source. I recognize the sound as a train engine as soon as I hear the horn. My thoughts seem to have a sound to them, thinking and categorizing these various sounds: sounds that come from within my body, sounds that come from outside, sounds that others can hear, sounds that only I can hear. There are sounds that are not really sounds: thoughts that are formed into words in my mind which would have sound if spoken. There are imaginary sounds: I think I hear a sound like crickets singing, but I think it's formed in my mind from the interaction of all the other sounds. And then silence, and I go away into a sleepy state where I experience no sound, no awareness, no presence. I only know I've been there when awareness returns.

Jousting with Ego

2008-03-03T01:07:00.000-08:00

March 2, 2008

I have not been in the basement meditation room all winter. The bonsai has died. The vase of roses has long since wilted and dried. But still the fragrance of roses lingers in the air. I feel comforted by the statue of Quan Yin pouring water into the mouths of dragons. I notice my tendency to make even this simple act of just sitting into a story. As I sit and watch the gymnastics of my mind, I am aware of feeling the narcissism of looking into the mirror of my own mind. And what do I see? I see the difficulty of seeing anything from any point of view but the viewpoint of my own consciousness. I have no other way of perceiving or experiencing. I wonder at the possibility of ever being able to have an objective viewpoint when looking at my own mind or anything else. The ego speaks up to say, "Oh, how clever of you to see this issue of looking at your own mind." I feel uncomfortable sitting here conversing with ego. And the ego adds, "How brave and fearless you are to face me." Then I say, "This is not what I want meditation to be about." I seriously wonder how to get beyond this ego-identification. I don't even know what it would feel like not to be identified with ego, how it would feel to get beyond little self and experience the oneness of Self. I don't know if this is even a valid goal of meditation. I experience a slight quieting of the mind and a short time of just being present in the body, which makes this session of meditation worth the struggle with ego.

Reflection on Change, 10/19/07

2007-10-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

Reflecting on how I take for granted that I will wake up each morning and life will go on as it has in the past. As I see everything around me changing, I realize that I too am changing. My hair is turning gray. I tire more easily than when I was young. My motivation is sort of limp. But, I also realize the power and ability I have to be an agent for change in my own life. And I see how when I change, ripples of that new changed energy radiate out and touch others. As I was waking up this morning, the thought of exploring edges came up. My idea of edges is going outside my comfort zone, doing things I haven't done before, taking some calculated risks, and observing myself in these situations. A thought also came up of reading about others who have taken risks, explored their edges, stretched their comfort zones. I tend to withdraw when I feel uncomfortable, threatened, or at risk. I'll try to stretch myself out a bit and observe how that makes me feel.

Meditation on Change 10/15/07

2007-10-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

Paying attention to times of spontaneous reflection, meditation, in my life. I probably spend more time doing this than I realize. Some people might call it daydreaming. So, while I seem not to be doing as much "formal" meditation, the time that I spend in "creative reverie" is increasing. I notice that this happens while I am driving the car, taking a bath, petting the cat, doing such mindless, automatic things. Water seems to me to be an element that supports this kind of non-thought. Water for me has properties of emotional flow, intuitive meandering thought, a non-solid, flowing structure. This morning in the bath tub, I was thinking about my ancestors, mentally visiting the drawer in my mother's bedroom where she keeps the old family photos. There is the photo of my paternal grandfather with his over sized, winglike ears; the photo of my father as a young man, wearing a tall white chef's hat. He was employed at the time as a cook during the construction of Larson Air Force Base (now defunct) at Moses Lake, WA. Memories surface of Sunday afternoon dinners at my maternal great-grandparents' house. After dinner, my great-grandfather and the other male relatives would sit and rock in the living room, blowing smoke rings from their pipes and talk. I remember the smoke stand that sat by the rocking chair and the brass spittoon in the corner. The women would be busy in the kitchen cleaning up after the meal, visiting, my great-grandmother humming a tune that sounded so much like Enya's song "How Can I Keep From Singing." I would be playing child games with my cousins: hide and seek, running around the yard among the row of bushes at the side of the property, exploring the woodshed. How times have changed. I remember my great-grandfather's name was John Calvin. My great-grandmother called him Callie, and he called her Lulee. Her name was Lulu. My reflections also happen spontaneously when I am doing what I think of as childlike things that spark my sense of wonder: gathering the natural treasure of brilliant autumn leaves and pressing and preserving them to use for making collages, cards, and other sort of useless, magical things. I did some shopping at a thrift store this weekend and picked up some useful items of clothing. My prize was a heavy wool winter coat, which I have been thinking about buying for a couple of winters. This particular coat is just what I was looking for, for $6.99, almost new. I reflected about who might have owned these items of clothing before me, what they did when they wore them, how they interacted with their families. I arrived at the sense of how all these things, people, circumstances and times change, how things pass through my hands, people pass through my life, times and events change and are changed by people, how it all changes and is impermanent. And I feel openhearted, able to change with everything. I am happy.

Change 10/10/07

2007-10-11T00:27:00.000-07:00

Raining outside, overcast, thinking of buying bulbs to plant this weekend, bulbs, a symbol of hope, thinking ahead to spring. Bulbs, storage of energy in order to burst forth when the sun gets warmer in the spring, resting in the frozen earth all winter. Reading the paper -- news of changing times all over the world, war in Iraq, car wrecks, protest in Burma, discovery of new species, petty crimes, more serious crimes of arson, rape. My body is digesting the food I just ate, oriental chicken, transforming it into smaller particles and molecules that can be used for energy and growth and repair by my body. One thing becomes another. And, what do I do with the energy? I am working today, being productive, thinking, walking. I imagine I hear my phone ring, but it's just my imagination. Sitting, feeling the pressure of my weight on the chair, feeling the waistband of my pants around my waist, a little tight now that my stomach is full. I've also gained some weight in the last few weeks, more changes. Coughing, trying to expel something from my lungs, an itchy throat, catching cold? Thinking that I have to get gas on the way home from work, trying not to forget. My car will remind me.

Open-eyed Meditation - Change

2007-10-09T07:40:00.000-07:00

6:30 a.m. October 9, 2007

Fingernail-thin sliver of crescent moon, wind tossing heads of trees, rosy-orange pre-dawn, silhouettes of trees along the landscape of hills like beard stubble. Blue spruce fingers pointing at the bluing sky. Rumbling train engine, birds waking, flitting one tree to another. Car headlights prowl next street over, refrigerator comes to life, cat sleeping. Wispy clouds catch pink dawn light in brightening sky. Branches of fir tree nod "yes" in wind. As light increases, seeing the yellow leaves of ash tree. Moon's sliver grows fainter, clouds brighter pink, sky tender blue. Reflection of dining room light in living room window. One small dark gray cloud hanging just over the hill, not yet transformed to pink, now dispersing like smoke, forming again, dispersing, growing thin now and totally gone, tentatively reappearing and gone. The clouds bright pink streaks through the now-blue sky, tall thin radio tower visible on peak of hill. Yellow and white peak of house gable across the street, gray roof. Light shining on glass of car window. Rumble of car starting, engine warming, field of green and reddish pasture grass and weeds across the way, charcoal gray asphalt road. As light increases, more colors become visible. Small dark gray cloud has reappeared and dispersed again below pink jet contrail. Another train rumbles through. Intensity of orange-pink above the horizon where the sun will soon rise, clouds turning fleecy white. Street sign, green with white lettering, becomes visible, the back end of a red pick-up truck, black plastic garbage can, 2 blue recycling bins. The sun pops up behind the hill, too bright to look at, illuminating the small cloud that forms, disperses and reforms

Morning, 10/7/07

2007-10-08T15:43:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling cool this morning, and sleepy. But, I am able to rouse myself from the sleepy state when I realize I have gone there. Thoughts of a dream I had last night, an old friend, a messy house, living on the Oregon side of the Columbia River, many people in the house, trying to get to work on time and getting tied up in traffic when a policeman pulls over a young man in a car, a sore on my left leg. All sorts of odd elements in that dream. I bought myself a small moleskine notebook, and I intend to carry it with me and note changes I observe throughout my days.

Meditation on Change 10/06/07

2007-10-07T04:29:00.000-07:00

I start by just settling in to basic meditation, observing my breath, watching thoughts as they come and go. Then I entertain thoughts about change, changes in the world. It's fall in this part of the world, and I observe this season of rapid change every time I step outside. Some of my flowers have caught the frost and have shriveled and died. Gradually the trees are changing colors and leaves are beginning to fall. The colors seem especially brilliant this year. The weather is unpredictable: warm and balmy one day, damp and cool another day. I think of big changes, the 1987 Supernova, the 1980 eruption of Mt. St. Helens, 9/11. I think of the gradual changes in governments and countries, of the arbitrariness of political boundaries. I think of pets that have died. I think of my near miss yesterday evening in homeward bound traffic, a car speeding in front of me through a red light. I clued into the possibility of being seconds away from death in every moment. I see an image of myself, sliding toward the edge of an abyss, my heels dug in, trying to avoid the inevitable. In doing so, in being rigid, in trying to avoid change, I miss out on life. Again, I settle into basic meditation in order to assimilate my insights, to tuck them away into whatever files they are to occupy in my mind and body.

Off the Cushion 10/05/07

2007-10-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

After work, I drive east on the frontage road, Third Street, that runs alongside I-90 through Spokane. The road funnels exiting traffic off the freeway and also branches off into freeway entrances. I approach the intersection with Altamont which runs north and south under the freeway and through the east central neighborhood where serial killer Yates stalked his prostitute/victims. I've left work a few minutes early, all things done, feeling exhilarated to be starting the weekend. The light at the intersection is green going my way. The underpass where Altamont runs under the freeway is blinded by retaining walls. I can't see traffic coming from the north. A south-bound car speeds through the red light seconds in front of me. I confront the possibility of impermanence. So, this is the direction my meditation practice will take for now, as soon as I'm finished with this salmon Caesar salad I'm enjoying at Shari's and drive the rest of the way home.

Evening, 10/4/07

2007-10-05T00:44:00.000-07:00

Sitting, hearing the heater's fan running. Sitting with thoughts and emotions -- anger, frustration. Thoughts arise and change into conversations. I seem to drop to a lower level of consciousness in which the heater is not heard.

I'm feeling frustrated with my practice at this time. It seems unimportant for me to remember what has happened during the half hour, and so I don't. I seem to be sort of tuning out. I feel bored with the practice of actually sitting meditation. Writing about the effect in my life is problematic partly because it touches on relationships with other people, which is something I don't want to discuss in a public blog. I sometimes write about those things in my personal journal. So, this is just the way things are for now. I will continue the practice because I feel its value for me. Maybe the blog will change; or I may focus more on my other blogs. Maybe I'll introduce some new elements into my practice. I don't know yet.

Morning, 10/2/07

2007-10-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

Chanting before I sit to meditate, Radhe and Om Namaha Sivaya. Chanting seems to wake me up and cut that residue of sleepiness. I had a nice cup of Earl Gray tea and then sat for meditation.

Breathing, evenly and naturally. Thoughts arise. It seems like they arise almost to conscious awareness. But, if I don't grasp onto them, they soon drift away and I forget what they are. I don't know if this is good or not; it's just the way it is. I'm not sure if the thoughts just pass on through or are being dealt with on another level of mind, a less conscious, more intuitive level. Or, maybe I am just falling into a dull sleepy state. I find that I wasn't really so aware of what was going on with this session, going in and out of awareness, hearing the snaps and pops of the baseboard heaters switching on and off, the refrigerator coming to life.

Burma

2007-09-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

The military government of Burma has responded to the peaceful protests of Buddhist monks by shooting many of them, confining them to their monasteries, and cutting off communications. Several political action committees and human rights organizations have established petitions for people around the world to express their dissent with the actions of the government and to establish a peaceful resolution in Burma.

http://pol.moveon.org/burma/?r_by=_6956838-YNVVO
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/972303571

May all beings have peace.

Evening, 9/29/07

2007-09-30T14:12:00.000-07:00

A half hour of meditation with slumping and falling asleep. Adjusting my posture allowed me to wake up and come back to conscious awareness. I got to practice this antidote to sleepiness several times during the session.

I got some good things accomplished today as a result of my priority setting, not as much as I wanted to get done, but tomorrow is another day.

Working with Avoidance 9/29/07

2007-09-29T15:34:00.000-07:00

I have in the beginning viewed avoidance as a negative quality that I want to eradicate. But in looking further, I see ways in which avoidance serves me. I avoid situations and people that are toxic and drain my energy in ways that I don't choose. I avoid things that are bad for me. I avoid unnecessary risk-taking. I begin to see that avoidance is just one side of the coin. It is a part of the process of discrimination, choosing what I want and don't want in my life. What is the other side of the coin? Discipline?

I have decided to work with prioritizing those tasks that I choose to do, that are steps toward my goal of a life of quality and balance. I bought a spiral-bound notebook and some pens with different colors of ink, designating the various priorities I will give to tasks. And, I will categorize tasks to various aspects of my life.

These categories could be:

physical, mental health and self-care
financial
spirituality and personal development
work
household and vehicle maintenance
creativity
relationships
selfless service and civic responsibilities
fun, hobbies, recreation
planning

In order to balance my life, I will prioritize activities in each of these categories, and do some in each category every day. I will allocate some time each day to planning for the next day and to creating a checklist of activities I have decided to do the next day (the dreaded to-do list).

I suspect that I'm going to learn that I do more than I think I do and also that these categories are not exclusive, that some things I do can fit into more than one category. I'll work with this for a while and see how it goes, make adjustments as I go along.

Evening, 9/28/07

2007-09-29T00:48:00.000-07:00

Sitting, placing attention on my breath. I feel a kind of dullness of mind, as my mind follows stories of times past and of today's events. I follow several story lines. As I am further in time from events of the past, I have kind of forgotten their emotional content. I argue with myself about whether things were as difficult as they seemed. These stories become a kind of fog that clouds the mind. And then, for a moment, the fog clears and I am in presence, crisp, clear, in the here and now. Just for a moment.

Evening 9/27/07

2007-09-29T00:42:00.000-07:00

I chanted Radhe and Hari Om before beginning meditation. It felt good to hear my voice singing these phrases, calming and yet energizing.

Sitting to meditate -- the cat gets up on the couch beside me and purrs while I begin to meditate. I hear popping noises from the kitchen, think it might be the refrigerator. Snatches of conversation from the day arise in memory. Mind becomes dull and I fall into sleepiness. It takes a while to realize where my mind has gone and to bring it back again.

Morning, 9/26/07

2007-09-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

I'm in the customer lounge at the KIA dealer, writing while they change the oil in the car. I take the opportunity to do some meditation while I wait. Other people in the room waiting as well; I just sit and close my eyes and watch my breath. I'm sure no one knows I'm meditating; they probably just think I'm having a little night-night. Mind seems clear today, just sitting, hearing the high voice of a little girl playing, sounds of cars, doors opening and closing, traffic.

Evening, 9/25/07

2007-09-26T00:17:00.000-07:00

I sat the whole 30 minute session, maintaining attention for most of the time. There were a couple of times I checked out and went into dreamland. Both times it seemed like I was rehearsing conversations about work. One of the times, I realized that I had lost attention and came back to presence. The other time I "startled" awake. I sat with the slider open, so lots of sounds accompanied my meditation: a train with a shrill, strident horn, traffic noise, my heartbeat. I felt my breath most actively at the edges of my nostrils.

I note that it seems easier to meditate on the weekends when I don't have as much going on: work and other duties, and am fresh. I felt a little discouraged after yesterday's session in which I was unable to maintain attention at all, or only for a very short time. I attributed that to tiredness and a dull mind state. Modern life seems difficult, and meditation is not always easy. But, by now I have been practicing for long enough to know that those days happen; and it's best to just cut myself some slack and try again the next day.

Evening, 9/24/07

2007-09-25T00:59:00.000-07:00

I didn't finish the 30 minute meditation time tonight, cut it nine minutes short. I'm tired, mind takes me on trips, and I'm too tired to resist. Mental conversations, lots of words and pictures.

Mindfulness Break, 9/24/07

2007-09-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

Today I have noticed myself taking small mindfulness breaks during the day. I have been at work for about an hour and am taking small moments just to check in with myself, to observe the state of my mind and body, to take care in my movements, that they are done with intention and lovingkindness. I have found myself spontaneously humming the mantra, "Om Mani Padme Hum."

Working with Avoidance 9/23/07

2007-09-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

I overslept this morning. I had intended to get up and do some things this morning before Beth and I went to lunch. I woke up the first time at 8:30, got up and went to the bathroom, and then went back to bed until 11:30. So, it wasn't just oversleeping; it was avoidance. And, I had stayed up late Saturday night goofing around with the computer, avoiding going to bed. So, today, I decided to perform an act of kindness that I haven't made a routine of doing. I filled the bird feeder and replaced it in the tree in the back yard. In my mind, maybe this will balance out the avoidance behavior I did before. I don't know if this is a psychologically sound thing to do. I hope I'm not just reinforcing the pattern of avoidance. But, it gave me a good feeling to do something for the birds. So, we'll see if my avoidance loosens up any. I did get some things done today that I wanted to do. I had lunch with Beth and Alyssa. I talked with Vicki on the phone, maintaining my relationship with my daughters and granddaughter. I took out the garbage, did laundry, cleaned the cat box, got gas in the car, and groceries for lunch for the week. I meditated, paid my bills, and returned some materials to the library.

Evening, 9/23/07

2007-09-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

During tonight's meditation I realized that during the last meditation session I had been somewhat too harsh in dismissing my thoughts by labeling them "thinking." I was acting in an almost aversive way toward my thoughts, and in the period of time after meditation I hardly remembered what my thoughts had been. So this time, I'm being a little more gentle with my thoughts, realizing that it's one of the mind's jobs to think. I feel a pricking sensation in my lower back on the left side, like the prick of a needle, several times. Thoughts arise and pass on their own without having to label them. And then there is an instance in which I get lost in thought, sort of daydreaming. And I can distinguish between noticing thoughts arise and pass and following a thought until I don't even realize I am thinking and become unconscious of the thought itself. It just runs on. There is a subtle, but vast, difference. Thoughts can arise; I can notice them while still attending to my breath. I can be aware of the thoughts and breath at the same time until the thoughts just drift along on their own. I don't have to drift along with them. I also notice that the thoughts have a voice inside my head, my own voice, so I am sort of hearing my own thoughts inside my head. So, the mind has its own ears as well as its own eyes (the mind's eye). I drift off in thought for a moment, and the cat leaning against me while he bathes himself wakes me up. I notice a slight shaking, rumbling sensation and moments later, I hear a train whistle. It seems I am picking up subtle sensations. Thoughts and sensations, all parts of passing phenomena.

Heart Relics Tour

2007-09-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to the Unity Church in Spokane where the Heart Relics Tour has set up a display of relics of the Buddha Shakyamuni and other spiritual masters such as Tilopa, Milarepa, Atisha, and some of the more recently deceased lamas of Tibetan Buddhism. The tour's presence in Spokane was sponsored by Sravasti Abbey in Newport, WA, an hour's drive from Spokane. I arrived in time for a talk on buddhist practice by Lama Inga of Padma Ling buddhist center here in Spokane. I had intended to go to a talk in the morning by Thubten Chodron, abbess of the Sravasti Abbey, but avoided getting up in time to attended. I am impressed that this monastic and teaching center offers teachings free of charge; its ordained monastics live by donations only. They don't purchase their food at grocery stores. I think they grow some of their food, and accept donations of food from friends of the abbey and lay practitioners. I walked through the relic room in which silence was maintained and looked at each labeled relic. I have not quite assimilated the experience; I don't know whether I believe in the holiness or spiritual powers of relics. So, I won't comment on that. But, it was inspiring for me to be there among people who have dedicated their lives to spiritual practice and living by the buddhist precepts.

Reflection on Avoidance, 9/22/07

2007-09-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

Avoidance is probably my most common and powerful reactive pattern. I believe it arose out of depression related to being in situations that have been difficult to dislodge myself from and in which I felt I had few options. I felt like a cornered animal, and often it felt unsafe to defend myself and so I would turn my back, put my nose into the corner and avoid dealing with the situation. Avoidance probably was an effective strategy in a limited way in some situations and for a short time. But, as a major coping strategy, it has become dysfunctional. Avoidance has manifested itself in many ways in my life. I have avoided going to bed at night and then avoided getting up in the morning. I have slept too much in order to avoid doing things I didn't want to do. I have at times avoided paying my bills, avoided returning borrowed books to the library, and then avoided paying the resulting fines. I have put into place other activities in order to avoid doing things I didn't want to do. Some of these activities include: playing computer games, spiritual practice, recreational eating, and reading. While some of these activities are good in themselves, most notably spiritual practice and reading, if they are used to avoid other activities that need to be done, they play into the reactive patterns.

I have also noticed the avoidance aspect of my emotional eating pattern. Stuffing myself with food stuffs down emotions so I can avoid feeling and dealing with them. It also puts on a layer of fat, insulation, protection, numbing emotions. The ingestion of carbohydrates has also been demonstrated to increase brain serotonin levels, helping to elevate a depressed mood.

The practice of reflection, 9/22/07

2007-09-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

In my exercises, I am beginning to see the differences between the various spiritual practices I engage in. Meditation seems to me to be resting in what is with the purpose of cultivating attention. Thoughts are not worked with or followed with any depth. An object of meditation is chosen and bare attention is rested on the object and brought back again and again when it strays.

With reflection, an object of reflection can be chosen, or the object can be left open. Thoughts are allowed to arise and are explored in order to reach a greater understanding.

Mindfulness of Eating, 9/22/07

2007-09-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

I choose to do a mindfulness of eating practice today because in working with what I have identified as my main habitual pattern, avoidance, I realize that as the pattern loosens, energy is released. And, if that energy is not focused into attention at a higher lever, there is a tendency for it to fall again into a reactive pattern, either the original pattern or another pattern. I have identified emotional eating as another one of my patterns. I am hoping that mindfulness of eating practice will defuse the tendency for the energy released to be absorbed by the reactive pattern of emotional eating.

I am at Barnes and Noble, and I just finished eating a slice of spinach-artichoke stratta, and I'm still sipping on a soy chai latte. What I noticed most about the food was the texture. Stratta is made with eggs, bread, milk, and cheese, and so the flavor is rather bland, sort of like quiche. There is a salty, buttery flavor. The vegetables in the mix also are not strongly flavored. So, the sensation of texture comes to the fore. The texture of the body of the stratta is smooth and like a custard. It is warm and melts in my mouth, releasing its own juices. The vegetables are tender and chewy; the cheese rich and chewy. The crust is tender and flaky. The soy latte is warm and has the characteristic bland soy flavor. My grandchildren have called soy milk "marshmallow" milk. They've been raised on cows' milk and don't like soy milk. Since I have been drinking soy milk for a number of years, cows' milk has, for me, an animal taste that I find distasteful. The spices in the chai are energizing, activating: the bite of cinnamon, a hint of pepper, nutmeg, clove, vanilla. It all seems to have a wholesome, nourishing quality. It was just the right amount of food to sustain me without filling my stomach to an uncomfortable level. And, I took my time eating it and enjoyed it. I am now enjoying the foam from the latte that sticks to the sides of the cup.

Morning, 9/22/07

2007-09-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

Working with hindrances:

Cultivating attention, attention on the breath:

I give a priority to meditation this morning. But first I take care of beings around me. I water a plant in front of the east-facing window and feed the cat and let him go outside for a while. I do this because they can't take care of themselves.

I take care to make myself comfortable, to sit in a posture that I will be able to maintain for 3o minutes. I wrap a blanket around me for warmth and for the feeling of security it gives, self-containment. I set a timer so I don't have to concern myself with how long I've been sitting. I breathe through the initial congestion in my nose. At first this is difficult; it requires effort to breathe. Then as the congestion loosens, breathing becomes easier. Thoughts regularly distract me from attention to my breath. They seem to be good thoughts, thoughts about practice, breathing. But this is not the time for thinking about practice. This is the time for doing practice, for strengthening attention by gently placing it on the breath. I label each thought "thinking" and return my attention to the breath. Labeling the thought seems to dismiss it and allow it to pass. There is a different quality of experience in thinking about the breath and placing attention on the breath. It is experiencing breathing itself. Thoughts continue to arise; I label each one "thinking" and return to the experience of the breath. A few times, I feel the slight slumping of my posture, straighten, and watch alert awareness return with that adjustment. I become aware of a sleepy state soon after it arises and apply the antidote of straightening my spine and once more returning to the breath. Alert awareness again returns. At some point approximately mid-way in the practice, I experience a few moments of silence when it is quiet in the environment around me, and the mind is quiet as well.

Off the Cushion 9/21/07

2007-09-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

In recent days I have noticed a loosening of my main reactive pattern, avoidance. I experience this as increased energy, increased motivation, achieving small goals I set for myself, less feelings of frustration and worry. As I look back over my blog, I see that this period of practice is the longest running regularly sustained practice I have done. I hope to continue this trend. Knowing that others also are practicing helps me sustain my practice. Thank you to all of you practitioners in the blogosphere, yoga and meditation classes, and close friends far away for your practice. I am going to ramp up the practice slightly and try to work in a more conscious way with the hindrances to practice: sleepiness, restlessness, and so on that I have up until now just observed. I will try to put into place some antidotes to those hindrances and see what happens and how that translates to daily life.

Morning, 9/21/07

2007-09-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

When I went to bed last night, a fine cold mist hovered over the landscape. I stubbornly refused to crank up the heat in the house, but piled blankets on the bed and filled a hot water bottle and slept comfortably the whole night.

As I sit to meditate, I wrap up in a blanket. The cat snuggles up against me on the couch. I have to breathe through nasal congestion for a while until it loosens. Thoughts of ordering a neti pot. Thoughts of my choice of taking a daily vitamin pill. I left my bottle of vitamins in my locker at work. No problem, I have a bottle here at home too. Thoughts of taking a correspondence course in meditation. I've done this before and not seen it through. Thoughts seem to dominate this session. I get lost in them. When I become conscious of thinking, I return to the breath, which by now has become easier and natural. I make small adjustments to my posture which slumps slightly now and then. Even with the blanket wrapped around me, I am cold. I rearrange the blanket to cover my head as well. Thoughts of ordering a quartz crystal space heater, supposed to save 50% over traditional heating methods. Time seems to pass quickly this morning.

Kundalini Yoga Class

2007-09-21T02:13:00.000-07:00

In kundalini class today, we were asked to write about our long-term goals and how the choices we are working with now enhance the long-term goal. My long-term goal is to live more authentically, from my heart, to balance all the aspects of my life (work, relationships, spirituality, creativity, health), to live with more attention and awareness. In the past year, I have realized a large goal, changing jobs. While a positive change, it has also been stressful, with new relationships to build, new procedures and computer software to learn, a new work culture to find my place within, a different schedule. It has been a big change. So, now I am working with small changes that will help me realize my long-term goal. My goal for this week is to take a vitamin pill every day. That's a really small goal, but will enhance my health. And, if I can realize that goal, it can be a stepping-stone for the realization of another goal along the way. I have bought a fresh bottle of vitamin pills and put them in my locker at work. Work is where I am most organized, and so I am much more likely to take the vitamins at work rather than at home. So, this is one of the small mind games I play with myself, taking the vitamins to work so I will see them whenever I open my locker and be reminded to take one of them.

Evening, 9/19/07

2007-09-21T01:34:00.000-07:00

Sitting to meditate tonight. The cat crawls up in my lap and starts his kneading, purring routine, and I smile inside. He soon becomes bored with that and jumps down off the couch; and I make small adjustments to my posture. I go into a dreamy state and visualize a scene in which people are going through a gate, sort of like a customs gate into another country; and it's the ones who act silly, goofy, crazy, who are allowed to go through. It seemed like it was a good thing to be allowed into the country. Then I wake up from this dreamlike state and am conscious of an ache in my right shoulder. Restlessness then becomes a distraction. To distract myself from the restless feeling of worms in the pit of my stomach, I bring up the image of the guy streaking through WalMart on Monday night. I wonder if that is what stimulated the dream sequence. I take deep breaths and sit through the restlessness. My perception of time this time is that it seems to be passing slowly. I wonder if I actually pushed the start button on the timer. I resist the impulse to open my eyes and look at the timer. And then, I do look: one minute, 25 seconds left. Back to sitting; I can do anything for one minute, 25 seconds. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Morning, 9/17/07

2007-09-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

I chant Hari Om, a healing mantra, and Radhe before beginning meditation as a sort of wake-me-up, to clear my head. I then lie down to meditate because it seems that I can't get into a comfortable sitting position. But, I soon fall back into a sleepy state. Feeling a little chilly with the slider open; that keeps me awake, feeling like fall today.

Mid Day 9/16/07

2007-09-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

Before beginning sitting meditation, I chant the bhajan, Radhe, a bhajan of cosmic love, one of my favorites. Chanting seems to help me equilibrate emotions, express them in a positive way, settle my worries and concerns about all sorts of things. Then, when I meditate, it seems this time that I settle more quickly and easily. Breath quickly comes to a natural even rhythm, not forced or controlled. Distracting thoughts arise, but soon leave. I give some thought to doing a metta practice each morning, seems like a good way to begin the day. For most of the half-hour session I am alert and relaxed, occasionally consciously relaxing my legs. Thoughts arise about installing a wood stove in the house, thoughts about my vacation coming up in November, wanting to go to the Oregon coast. Maintaining a fairly constant awareness throughout the time. It seems like the time goes relatively quickly.

Off the Cushion, 9/15/07

2007-09-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a mixed bag: enjoyable, stressful, busy, tiring. In some instances I felt like I behaved in a positive way toward myself and others. But, when under stress, I behaved in a somewhat less positive way. If I think of formal meditation as batting practice, as long as I keep showing up in the batting box, I'm practicing no matter if I strike out, hit a foul ball, or connect with the ball in a resounding thwack. As long as I practice, I'm developing my ability to sense the trajectory of the ball, judge whether to swing at the ball, when to swing at the ball, at what level and with how much energy to swing the bat. There is always the possibility that on one swing, the ball will sail out of the park. And, if I keep practicing steadily, my skill at the game of life is bound to improve over the season.

Morning, 9/14/07

2007-09-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

I did not meditate last night because I was really tired. Maybe this was avoidance, or maybe I was just giving myself a little slack. Anyway, here I am today, sitting on the couch in the morning sun, feeling a little bleary. Morning is not my optimal time. So I sit, feeling a little congestion in my nose, tiredness and tightness around my eyes. But, as I sit, I feel balanced, aware, and grounded. I hear the usual noises: freight trains blowing their whistles, my heartbeat. Breath settles into its own natural rhythm. Cycles of alert awareness alternate with drifting off. The alert awareness feels like a bright emptiness. When I drift off this time, there is no slumping, just a slight shift in the body's alignment, which is almost immediately brought to conscious awareness by a little twinge of startlement. That feels like a slight electric shock, a little lightning jolt in the body and mind. And, the mind comes back, and the body straightens itself in a natural way. I don't want to make any evaluation about progress because I could fall on my face tomorrow. But, I'm where I'm at today. Thoughts pop in here and there, but I don't follow them. In my mind's eye, visions of swirling lights, simply noting them.

Off the Cushion 9/12/07

2007-09-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

A couple of things have happened today which I may have let pass by as coincidence; maybe they were coincidence. Maybe these things happen all the time, and I only notice them when I allow my mind to be somewhat more open by sitting practice? Who knows. Anyway, I was doing the metta practice last night. And this morning, as I was in Barnes and Noble having my favorite soy chai tea latte and spinach/artichoke strata, I was sort of eavesdropping on a conversation at the table next to me. I've noticed that at the coffee shop in Barnes and Noble, people seem to gather and just sit and talk as if they were alone in a private setting. Anyway, he started including me, a stranger, in the conversation. So, was the metta practice asking me, "Are you serious about wishing happiness for all beings, excluding no one, strangers as well"? I was able to respond in a positive way, remembering my practice from the night before.

And, one of the teachers from the yoga house that I've taken classes at for years called to let me know about a kundalini yoga class they're offering in the mornings from 11:15 to 12:30. I used to come to work at 12:00. So, had I not changed my work schedule to a 1:00 arrival time, I wouldn't have been able to take the class. So, starting tomorrow I will be in kundalini class, with an emphasis on "the power of choice". I'm looking forward to interacting again with like-minded people in a class setting.

Evening, 9/11/07

2007-09-12T01:34:00.000-07:00

Meditating tonight with the metta phrases, wishing all beings happiness, wellness, and peace. Feels calming to wish happiness, wellness, and peace for myself, my parents, my friends, my relatives, strangers, enemies, and all beings, excluding no one. Without judging whether I really believe wishing for happiness, wellness, and peace can have an effect, I just do it. I have been thinking the metta phrases off and on throughout the day, just making the wish and observing what happens with my own attitude. On a day that has been difficult in some ways, I have been able to get through things relatively calmly, just doing what needs to be done. Yet, I have set limits for myself, respecting myself, not expecting more of myself than what is reasonable. And, I honored my limits and let go of what was beyond the limits I set for myself. For today, I have more appreciation for my life and the lives of others.

Morning, 9/11/07

2007-09-11T10:07:00.000-07:00

It's too late this morning to be able to sit in direct sunlight coming through the window. The sun is higher in the sky at 8:45. I have a glass of chai tea mixed with soy milk before sitting; and I wash my face to help wake up from the early morning sleepiness, blow my nose to clear out the breathing passages.

I notice that my nose is still a little stuffed up, and it affects my breathing. At first I breathe for a short time with my mouth open. And, then as I continue to try to breathe through my nose, the congestion opens up enough to allow for full breaths through my nose. Again, cycles of alert wakefulness and falling into sleepiness. Feeling, more than hearing, the thrum of the diesel engines of the train, a feeling in the chest similar to watching a parade and feeling the beat of a bass drum as a marching band passes by. I notice several times when I have fallen into a sleepy state that it is something outside myself that causes me to wake up: the sound of the cat jumping up on the deck from the ground outside, the sound of the refrigerator beginning to run, a thought of what day this is, a mental image of the buildings falling. But, that is inside myself now, inside the consciousness, no doubt, of all Americans. I wonder to what extent those events have woken us up as individuals and as a nation. Just thoughts floating on the surface of consciousness.

Morning 9/10/07

2007-09-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

Warm sun shining through east-facing window. Awareness of breath: steady, relaxed. Thoughts arise and fall with the breath. I can notice these thoughts while still attending to breath. Cat sits on the couch beside me, touching my thigh. Feeling the rise and fall of his breath as well. Thoughts of aging, how quickly time goes. I startle as phone rings, let it ring. Thoughts of old friends. Thoughts of what I'm going to do today, preparations for the day. Sounds of train, distant freeway traffic, dog barking, noting how they form a kind of sound landscape, feeling how sound passes through my body, a momentary feeling of transparency.

Evening, 9/8/07

2007-09-09T00:30:00.000-07:00

Swami Sivananda's birthday. I spent most of the day sleeping, catching up with myself after a busy, stressful week. Sitting in meditation, feeling comfortable, calm. Cycles of just sitting alternate with falling into a sleepy state in which dreaming prevails. When I notice I am more asleep than awake, I straighten my posture and wake up. Most of my practice this week has been off the cushion. Just as when sitting, I cycle between being awake, comfortable, and calm and asleep and dreamy; my waking life cycles between times of mindfulness and purposeful action and times in which I sink into habits and patterns of non-productive thought. My mindful thinking has led to some productive observation and problem solving. In my habit-prone sleep mind, I have descended into past patterns of thought: feelings of powerlessness, anger, frustration, and stress. It seems that for now, the more positive mindful thought processes have won the day. Just as when I am sitting and cycling through mindful and mindless periods, all can be considered practice; in daily life both the mindful purposeful action and the descent into past patterns is practice. For me, it seems all a part of the complete picture. Always, in whatever frame of mind I am in, is the possibility of noticing where I am and waking up.

Evening, 9/4/07

2007-09-05T03:17:00.000-07:00

Difficult working day, carrying thoughts of the day home with me. For the most part, I was able to remain calm, to pace myself with the work, and to decide what I could do to channel feelings into a positive action. I decided to document the activities at work so I could objectively assess what was going on and try to offer some solutions. This gave me more of a feeling that I can have some control of the situation, or at least how I react to it. Documentation may provide data to support a thoughtful decision-making process. The documentation was simple and took no more than five minutes. Getting the work done involved working two hours of overtime. If today is going to be a typical scenario, that projects into a 50-hour work week for me. After work, I sat down and wrote about my feelings for a while to help resolve them and relieve stress.

Meditation tonight is involved in thoughts, hearing my heart beat, struggling with staying in the moment, trying not to project into the future or play scenes from the past. My intention is to keep an open mind and to remain mindful of the possibilities of working with this situation.

Evening 8/31/07

2007-09-01T15:27:00.000-07:00

A day off from work which I spent resting, relaxing. Went to Barnes and Noble and had my favorite soy chai latte and a slice of warm spinach/artichoke strata. Went to the library and checked out some books: Born on a Blue Day, and The Book of Dave. Also, some audio books: something about angels falling from the sky by the guy who wrote Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, and Temple Grandin's book about animal communication and consciousness. I have been enjoying listening to books as I drive to work, very easy to finish a book in a short time. In the last week I've "read" Plan B by Anne Lamott and The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion in this way. No formal meditation practice today. But something I might call mindfulness of sleeping. I stretched out on the couch and put 5 CD's on to play: one by Solas, Altan, Krishna Das, mood music, Celtic ragas. I felt the music interweave itself among my thoughts as I was sleeping. The cat especially seems to enjoy music.

Evening 8/30/07

2007-09-01T15:21:00.000-07:00

Thoughts of all the things stored in boxes in the basement that I have dragged around with me for years from place to place, town to town. For years it seemed I had lived too fast to have time to go through stuff and throw out the irrelevant. But, now that I've been settled in the same place for the better part of twenty years and still haven't gone through and thrown out, I have to wonder why I hang onto those useless ephemera of times past. Is it that as long as I have the stuff, I think there is the possibility of going back in time, rearranging things so that the events of the past can be replayed, changed, other choices made? Have I been indulging myself in magical thinking for so many years of my life? Time to wake up. After this reverie, I notice that I feel more calm, less agitated, more accepting of things I cannot control.

Evening 8/29/07

2007-08-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

Stopped short of my 30 minutes of meditation. Restlessness, unable to sit still, fidgeting. Train whistles blowing, mind blowing off in a thousand directions, scattered.

Asana 8/28/07

2007-08-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

Tonight I did a series of asanas, a warm-up, a side-bend pose, a balance pose, a twisting pose, a forward bend, a back bend, and an inverted pose. I put emphasis on the back bend pose, the cobra. Feeling energy extend through my legs and feet as I raise my upper body from the floor without pushing with my elbows. Feeling strong, flexible, slight tension in shoulders. I did this several times, concentrating on relaxing my shoulders and using core muscles to raise my body slowly. Feeling more relaxed and natural as I continue to bring awareness to the motion of raising my upper body from the mat. Feel a pain in upper right side, where I once was diagnosed with a duodenal ulcer. Mental note to pay attention.

After asana practice, I did a self-massage with sweet almond oil and took a hot epsom salt bath, very relaxing, the feeling of caring for myself.

I then sat in vipassana meditation for 30 minutes. The only note of this is: very sleepy tonight. Cat lying beside me. Head slumping forward several times.

Evening, 8/27/07

2007-08-28T01:42:00.000-07:00

Sitting for meditation after taking a hot epsom salts bath, feeling clean and relaxed. The cat follows me to the cushions. He sits on his cushion. I sit on the couch. He gets up and sits next to me, his head resting on my thigh, purring. I smile; this is bliss. After while the cat gets up and lies on the back of the couch, sleeps. A loud crash from outside, like something metal or plastic falling. Sounds like it might be in the neighbor's yard. Slightly fearful about what might be going on outside. No more such sounds, just trains moving through the valley, my heart beating, refrigerator running, some pops and snaps of the house settling. For some time I lose awareness of my breath, enter an interior landscape, lots of cows. Tickle in my throat, a few coughs, yawns. Straightening my posture. The timer goes off.

Sunday evening 8/26/07

2007-08-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

Arriving home tonight. Hauling my belongings up the front stairs. As I sit to meditate, I feel the effort of bringing my stuff back in the house in a quickened breathing rate. Remembering conversations with my mom and daughter, some resolution to past family issues. Good conversations, a feeling of understanding. I brought home a plant that my mother didn't want anymore, noting my tendency to take in homeless dogs and cats and now a plant. The first few minutes after arriving home, I am lonely.

Evening, 8/25/07

2007-08-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

Cool evening air comes in through the bedroom window, crickets singing outside. I smell the evening primrose oil night cream I put on my face. A few snores wake me, almost falling asleep. Thoughts come and go, nothing remarkable

Evening 8/24/07

2007-08-25T00:49:00.000-07:00

Sitting on the couch, straight back, ankles crossed, feet resting on a cushion. Breath steady and natural. Thoughts arise about my trip to my home town tomorrow, all the typical thoughts about the town I grew up in. I let the thoughts arise and disperse as they will, trying not to attach to them or allow them to string together. Looking forward to the trip, getting out of town, a change of pace, new scenery, being with family. Vicki is driving from Port Townsend; and we'll both be staying at mom's. Feeling some regret that Beth and I haven't been able to connect the last two weeks -- phone tag, my inner conflict about wanting to stay in Spokane so I might be able to see her and the kids vs. seeing mom and Vicki in Wenatchee, a little guilt. Wondering how my practice will fare in Wenatchee. Will I just let it slide in the excitement of being with family and in a place where I don't feel like I can just plop myself down in the living room and sit like I do in my own home. My practice has been steady and strong lately, the strongest it has ever been. I'd like to think I might be able to sustain it as I make this trip. I will form the intent to do so and take along with me things that will support my intent: a cushion, a blanket, my notebook and laptop. I will not display my practice before my family, just don't want to make them watch me sit; it's pretty boring. So, I'll sit just before bedtime after I have closed the bedroom door and things have sort of settled for the night. As my chin slumps slightly against my chest, wisps of hair brush my cheeks, sleepiness.

Morning 8/24/07

2007-08-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

Spontaneously woke up at 7:30 this morning, decided to get up and meditate. Sun is pouring through east living room window. I lie down on cushions, a blanket over me, and soak up the warmth of the sun. I drape the blanket slightly over my face; this sun is hot shining through the window. Relaxing, making a conscious effort to relax. Sometimes it's difficult to sense if an area of the body is tense or relaxed. Breath feels controlled in the beginning, becoming more natural as time goes by. Slight muscle spasms in left leg, in cycles. Cat attacks left foot. I wonder if he notices movement of left foot. Trying to relax, still slight spasms, probably would not be apparent if I was up moving around, active. I wonder if these spasms would show up on a nerve conduction test. Will mention them to doctor next time I go. Cat attacks left arm, mostly with soft paws, but enough claw and tooth to hurt a little. I cry out and act like I'm hurt. He does it again. It seems like he's just playing, but he's getting too rough. Suspend meditation at 2 minutes left.

Evening 8/23/07

2007-08-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

I did something different tonight. I chanted for ten minutes before beginning meditation, an Indian bhajan, Radhe. I thought it might help release some of the tensions of the day and serve as a transition between the working day and meditation. So I sat down at the harmonium, played and sang the bhajan with eyes closed, in a meditative way as thoughts were coming and going. After ten minutes I lay down on the cushion and covered myself with a blanket and meditated for 30 minutes. I took some time in the beginning to adjust my posture so I was comfortable and then rested my attention on my breath. My mind touched on many things: conversations from the day, thoughts of various people, plans for the weekend, all coming and going. And as I become aware of mind wandering, I return to the breath, sometimes easy and natural and sometimes controlled and ragged. A few times, snores brought me back from a sleepy state. I felt chilly a couple of times. Before I knew it, the timer went off.

Evening, 8/22/07

2007-08-23T00:51:00.000-07:00

Tonight, it was restlessness, the creepy, crawly feeling. When I first sat down to meditate, I was comfortable. I had been looking forward to meditating. My breath became easy and steady. Then I started to notice a slight muscle spasm in my left leg that would tighten up and release in cycles. Had I not been sitting still and meditating, I might not have noticed it. I made an effort to consciously relax. For a while there were no spasms. And then there was a big one. And, the restlessness got more intense, like something crawling all over me. I broke concentration and moved my feet a little. I quit the meditation about 11 minutes early. I'm thinking I'll have a nice hot bath and then go to bed. The restlessness seems to come up more often when I'm tired.

Evening, 8/21/07

2007-08-22T00:57:00.000-07:00

A quiet evening except for the trains. Feeling my heartbeat in my mouth, my gums. I feel the cat step between my legs to get on his cushion. He seems to like this time when we sit together and are quiet. Once when I was walking around the house, he grabbed me by the leg as if to say, "Slow down; it's meditation time, time to quit walking around and be still." I once heard a sound that I couldn't identify, waiting to hear it again to see if I could figure out what it was. For most of the session I don't remember my thoughts or what was going on. The experience seemed pleasant to neutral tonight, just cruising along. It seems like I am experiencing less the need to control my breath. And, I'm also experiencing less concern with trying to remember what happened so I can write about it afterwards. The content of the experience just seems to sift out, like sand through my fingers.

Evening, 8/20/07

2007-08-21T00:59:00.000-07:00

It seems unusually quiet tonight after a hard rain; sounds that do come have a different quality, sort of clean and crisp. I follow my breath and experience the qualitative difference between attending to my breath as a rising and falling of my chest and attending to it as it hovers about the tip of my nose. Attending to my breath at the tip of my nose seems more subtle, less a thing of the body, more wispy and random. Hearing heartbeat, ringing in ears, which seems very high-pitched tonight. Hearing trains whistle as they approach the crossings, each one a different pitch. Mind wanders, don't remember the content of wanderings. A sneeze erupts. Cat seems to sense it a second before it happens and startles. Thoughts arise about what I have learned so far by doing meditation practice:

1. There are many options for working with a situation, some more skillful than others. Sometimes the most obvious, or most instinctive option, is not the best.

2. My mind wanders.

3. I'm not getting enough sleep.

4. I can discipline myself to do even those things I don't like to do.

5. I can accomplish much by taking things in small steps.

6. I may take cues from my meditation practice and change the practice in small ways in which the practice seems to be heading.

7. I can choose to shorten the practice when I'm too tired to benefit from it.

8. I am attending more to messages from my body.

9. I am learning when I can push myself and when it is best to give myself a break.

10. Between 3 and 4 trains rumble through the valley in a half-hour period of time each evening.

Morning, 8/20/07

2007-08-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the living room facing the east-facing window, my eyes are flooded with morning light. I sit comfortably with a blanket around my shoulders, and fall into a sort of reverie. An alabaster buddha encrusted with gemstones appears in my mind's eye. A feeling of my hands opening, fingers like the petals of a lotus flower. A figure with burning robes flying. I am choosing among several black backpacks with notebooks in them. I open one and look at the notebook. Inside is written the mantra "Om mani padme hum." A period of laser-sharp focus and awareness. The alarm goes off.

Evening 8/19/07

2007-08-20T02:08:00.000-07:00

I lie in corpse pose on the floor cushions with a blanket over me. It's cool and rainy today. The cat walks over my body, kneading with his front paws, doing a sort of stomping dance with his back paws, purring, a cat massage. Trains blowing whistles, rumbling east and west through the valley. Relaxing, remembering earlier conversation with mom. Noting that it's starting to get dark earlier in the evening, feeling like fall. Deep breathing, feeling little pockets of tension, holding, pain.

Corpse Pose 8/17/07

2007-08-18T00:27:00.000-07:00

I go with my idea from last night of lying in corpse pose for meditation. With the two cushions I bought for the cat and I, I make a pallet and lie down, arms at my sides, palms up, and just relax. Awareness of the floor supporting me, resting on the softness of the cushions. Awareness of breath, at first controlled, gradually relaxing and becoming natural. Awareness of mental conversations, a dreamlike state. Awareness of the total relaxation of letting go and allowing the floor to support me. Mental relaxation of trusting that I will be supported. Letting all tension drain away. The thought arises that this may be the best posture for evening meditation, a good transition from an active day to a restful sleep. Thought arises that meditation doesn't have to be an endurance contest with myself. This meditation session seems to have been more beneficial than sessions in which I have been sitting, almost grinding my teeth from tiredness, mental frustration, and restlessness. This works, so I'll use it more often. Morning is probably a better time for "sitting" meditation.

Evening 8/16/07

2007-08-17T02:44:00.000-07:00

Itching in corners of both eyes, ringing in ears, the familiar ear-ringing that is so constant that I'm sure I tune it out most of the time. This is the time I attend to those things I tune out in ordinary consciousness. Involuntary muscle spasm in left leg, not painful, just an odd sensation to feel the leg tingle and tense without my having directed it to do so. It releases as well, in its own time. Then again, tensing. When the tensing becomes almost painful, I lie in corpse pose and relax into the support of the floor. The cushions feel soft, my body's weight evenly distributed. Spasms continue, but not as intense.

Evening 8/15/07

2007-08-16T11:29:00.000-07:00

I cut the session short tonight because I'm very tired; legs ache, back aches, feet hurt. I caught myself slumping several times. It's what it is, just tiredness. Awareness of pain, still awareness. I'm giving it up for tonight and going to get some sleep.

Evening 8/14/07

2007-08-15T00:40:00.000-07:00

I forgave myself the hour of housework tonight because I worked an hour of overtime at work and had to stop at the grocery store to pick up some things for lunches. It was about 11:00 when I got home. I fed the cat, washed a load of clothes, put the groceries away, and sat down to meditate.

The cat laid down on the carpet. I patted the empty cushion beside my cushion and said to him, "You can come over and meditate with me." He got right away what I was saying and got up and lay down on the cushion. But, he was soon up again and about his cat business.

Thoughts of the day's events, replaying mental tapes of conversations. Tiredness, tension, pain, in spine and rib cage. Body won't settle, mind won't settle, breath strained and ragged. Feeling of restlessness, and thoughts that this session is a waste of time, wanting to end the session early. But, I persist; the timer goes off. That's how it is.

Evening 8/13/07

2007-08-14T01:18:00.000-07:00

The dissonance of the train whistle, a sound that clashes and reverberates in my ears. After that, quiet, a small time of spacious unbounded mind, my head feeling open, weightless, nothing. Train whistles, water running, breath. I get lost in it. Then, an itch on the side of my nose brings me back to alert awareness, something to focus on. Small slumpings, again, feeling enclosed by the house. I enter the cyberspace in my head, pointing and clicking, opening up windows, reading information. What is it, this computer and content I didn't know was there? Thoughts about recycling, what else can I do to help the earth? Thoughts of what I'm going to do when I finish meditating. A sound wakes me up. Deep breath

Evening 8/12/07

2007-08-12T23:04:00.000-07:00

I have done an hour of housework, took my time, seems like the hour went quickly. I fed the cat, watered the lawn, took out the garbage, and went through some stuff I'd cleaned out of the car and threw it away, washed a load of clothes and hung it up to dry.

I sit on a cushion on the living room floor. Cat lies on his own cushion. I first realize that my throat is tense and relax it. When relaxing throat, a brief sensation of openness, emptiness, transparency, comes. I welcome this sensation, but it is so brief. Slight twinge of pain in upper right abdomen, being present with pain, breathing into it. This soon also passes. Breath becomes easy and subtle, sensation of breath barely hovering around the nostrils. Outer sensations seem even to quiet, reduce in volume: traffic noise, heartbeat, sounds of neighbors talking, all soften. Or is it my perception of them, my reaction to them, that softens? A popping sound, either the house settling or a moth flying into a window, startles, sensation of white light behind eyeballs. Feeling of alertness, even as a small slumping occurs. Alert in one part of brain, sleepy in another? I've read that dolphins sleep on one side of the brain at a time. Seems like a long session, wondering if I pushed the button to start the timer.

Evening, 8/11/07

2007-08-12T01:11:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the living room on a cushion on the floor. I bought two of these cushions at Wally World. They're actually a pet bed (27" x 36"), big enough for an average sized dog to lie on. They're going in the meditation room for me and the cat. I'm in the process of cleaning out the room, storing the stuff in another part of the basement. There's also an old twin bed in the room that's got to go. I'm feeling rested as I sit; I've had enough sleep. Breath, after an initial feeling of control, smooths, a few deep relaxing breaths, and then steady and even. Mind goes from thinking about the make-over of the meditation room, to going in to work in the morning, to the cat, who sits behind me on the couch.

Afternoon, 8/10/07

2007-08-10T17:08:00.000-07:00

I slept in this morning partly because I felt like it and partly because my sleepiness during meditation practice seems to be telling me that I'm not getting enough sleep. I didn't have to go in to work this morning, have the day off because I'm working on Sunday. I invited the cat into the room with me. He wouldn't come in until I had invited him. He got up on the ottoman. When I sat down, I just scootched him over a little bit. But, my seat seemed unbalanced, so I tried scootching him over a little more. Then he got down. During meditation I am able to attend to my breath; breath comes even and natural. I feel small areas of tension in my body and consciously relax them one by one. Small slumpings occur, and I make small adjustments, straighten up slightly. Thoughts arise about what I can do to allow both the cat and I our own space in the meditation room. Now, it is a meditation/storage room. So, if I move out the extraneous stuff and make it just a meditation room, a little nest with cushions, two chairs, pillows, blankets, that should allow both of us enough space to meditate without feeling crowded. I could also do asana and mantra in this room. These thoughts arise; meditation continues. I feel itching in my ear canals. I hear the water running on the lawn, feel the connection of my hands nested together, my ankles crossed. And, I didn't fall asleep once.

Evening, 8/9/07

2007-08-10T03:25:00.000-07:00

I put off sitting tonight, practiced some avoidance behavior, reading for a bit. Still doing the hour of housework before I start meditation. That seems to be working well. My mind is strange. I wanted to get the housework done so I could meditate. And, then when it was time to meditate, I put it off by doing something else. Then I went downstairs to meditate. I had a short time of sleepiness. When I became conscious that I had been in a sleep state, I was conscious of the word, yoga. (I had been reading Yoga Journal before going downstairs to meditate.) Restlessness then came on the scene. My hands were in the same nested pose that I have used in the past. The sensation of each hand touching the other had left. And, there was just a vague sensation of hands touching, feeling like my hands were forming a big ball of yarn or were in a muff. I wanted to move my hands so that I could renew the feeling of sensing my hands touching each other. I resisted moving and alternated with staying with the feeling in my hands and just lightly attending to the feeling and observing what would happen with the feeling. The feeling of restlessness became more neutral, so that the urge to move was not so strong. But the feeling of the lost sensation of my hands touching each other remained. Wondering when the timer is going to go off, also the wish that maybe it has already gone off, and I didn't hear it, wanting the session to be over. A brief period of sleepiness, maybe avoidance of the feeling of wanting things to be done.

Evening, 8/8/07

2007-08-09T01:13:00.000-07:00

Breath seems controlled for a short time, then smooths out. Physically and mentally tired. I feel itching around the left side of my nose, feel sweat pop out on my upper lip and forehead. Feeling warm with blanket draped around my shoulders; or it's a hot flash. Several times I fall into a sleepy state, dreaming of conversations with various people. I am sleepy, and so this meditation is mostly about fighting sleep.

Evening, 8/7/07

2007-08-08T01:25:00.000-07:00

I have come home from work at 9:00. I do an hour of housework and eat a light meal before I begin meditation. I sit, and for some time my attention goes to sensations in my body: ringing in my ears, rumbling stomach, the sulfur smell of the match I lit the candle with. I am sitting with one hand nesting in the other in my lap and my legs crossed at the ankles. The feeling of this posture is that all my energy is self-contained and recycles itself through my body, instead of flying off to other places. It feels calming and centering. It seems that tonight I easily find that balance between relaxation and alertness, breath coming in its own natural rhythm. I counted maybe three or four times during the half hour that my attention wandered. Once a sort of Russian scenario in which I was talking to someone about my Jewish ancestors (I have none, where does this stuff come from?) There were a couple of small slumpings and an instance in which mind just wandered off somewhere. It seems like it was good that I worked around the house for an hour. It was a good transition between the fast-paced environment of work and the slower more inner-directed work of meditation. So, I earned my cushion time by doing an hour of housework. A good session, and I feel fairly rested and calm.

Monday evening 8/6/07

2007-08-07T01:32:00.000-07:00

I stopped 2 minutes short of my 30 minute meditation session. My mind is playing tricks. I thought I could remember that the timer had already gone off, and I had gone over the time. The cat came in the room only after I was through meditating. This session, I had difficulty unwinding from a busy day at work. so it took a while for mind to settle. Then when it did settle, I would find myself entering that sleepy state, having little dream vignettes. In one, I was playing a computer game. In another, I was talking with a co-worker. Closing up the lab was crazy tonight, stressful, worked an hour of overtime. I am tired, and find it difficult to maintain that balance of relaxation and alertness that meditation requires. It feels boring and unproductive tonight. And, I didn't really want to meditate, but I made the effort. So, it's time to get some sleep.

Cat meditation, evening

2007-08-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

Again, the cat and I went to the basement bedroom to meditate. I lit a candle on the altar and turned around to take my seat on the ottoman. There was the cat contentedly curled up in the middle of the ottoman I sit on. So, what to do. None of the meditation books I've read have addressed this issue. I talked calmly to him and tried to pick him up; and I got deep scratches on my hands and forearms for my efforts. I seem to remember reading once about a monastery somewhere that as part of their ritual, ties up the resident cat before meditations sessions. I am beginning to see the wisdom of this practice. I went upstairs to the bathroom and washed my hands and arms and put some antibiotic ointment on the scratches.

When I was able to sit down and begin meditation on the ottoman, I entertained thoughts about what I can do if the situation with the cat comes up again. Obviously, picking him up and moving him is not the most skillful means of dealing with him. I can either:

1) be faster than he is and get to the ottoman before he does.
2) sit beside him and just scootch him over a little.
3) let him have the ottoman and sit on the floor.
4) offer him a better option, such as a dish of his favorite food.

During the rest of the half hour I sit with eyes closed. I find that during this sitting, I more quickly recognize when my mind has wandered and more easily bring it back and make small adjustments in my posture as little slumpings occur. The cat did come back in the room and found himself a place on the bed.

Evening, 8/5/07

2007-08-05T02:59:00.000-07:00

I begin meditation with my eyes open and do the trick of softening my gaze and relaxing my face so that I'm not really looking at anything in particular. But, it seems difficult to relax when my eyes are open. So, I go ahead and allow them to close. When I sat down to meditate, I had to pick the cat up off the cushion. I tried to do this in a gentle way so that he wouldn't be upset, but he had his mind set on sitting on the cushion and didn't want to be moved. I picked him up and tried to comfort him, but he just wanted down and left the room and didn't return during my meditation time. So, some of my thoughts during meditation go to the cat. After closing my eyes, I start to feel tension in my neck and relax that. It seems that when my eyes are closed, I am more in touch with my body and can quickly pick up cues about small lapses in my posture and correct them before they become slumps. My mind wanders, and I find myself being let into a prison cell, visiting someone in solitary confinement, which I think is odd because in solitary, I assume that people don't get visitors. That vision fades as I again come back to a more conscious state. Listening to the water running outside on the lawn, a sort of roaring, whining whoosh.

If the prison scene was a dream, which I suppose it was in a way, I would understand the person in the prison cell and the visitor both as parts of myself. (They arose within my mind). And I would ask myself who is the "I" who is in solitary confinement? And who is the "I" who is visiting the prisoner? (Well, I suppose it's true I don't get out much, what with working and working at home:-)) I'll give some thought to how I imprison myself and what I can do to set myself free.

Morning, 8/2/07

2007-08-02T15:02:00.000-07:00

Since my tendency is to fall asleep when meditating with my eyes closed, I decided to try to meditate with my eyes open today. I have also been trying to get more sleep. Starting in, I feel the difference in meditating with eyes open. My attention tends to be directed outward instead of inward. I notice things that are going on in the space around me: the pattern of the tapestry cloth on the altar, the drooping flowers, the shadow of the ivy shivering in the wind outside the window, the large fly buzzing around the room. I hear also, this loud buzzing, hear and feel the beating of my heart and get a mental picture of an oil derrick rhythmically and mechanically pumping oil from its underground lake. I do not experience the physical slumping and falling into sleep that I did when my eyes were closed. When mind begins to wander, the natural response is to take a deep wakening breath. It is only toward the end of the session that I consciously soften my focus and relax the muscles of my face around my eyes so that vision, that most evocative sense, ceases to become a distraction. To take into my day: How does vision become a distraction as I go about my day?

Morning, 7/31/07

2007-07-31T15:19:00.000-07:00

The flowers on the altar are drooping as I sit down to meditate. Setting the timer and draping a light blanket over my shoulders, I begin. Breath comes light and natural. Sounds come to the fore: the cat prowling among books and papers on the bed, settling in his place; a train blowing its whistle at a crossing; the laughter and joyful voices of children playing; the droning flight of a fly. Mind wanders to surfing the web. Then, I'm skiing. A feeling comes of different "rooms" in the mind where each activity takes place, momentary lapses and falling into a sleepy state. I fall into a big slump and am startled awake. The thought comes that there is always something in the nature of things as they are that startles me awake when I begin to slump into sleepiness. I will take this observation into my day and notice if this happens as I go about my day: What in the nature of things as they are prompts me to wake up when I have begun to slump into sleepiness?

Morning, 7/25/07

2007-07-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

Sitting, legs crossed at ankles, I hold a crystal in my left hand. (When re-reading my journal, I realize I had been holding the crystal in my right hand. Awareness of my confusion of left and right.) I soon become aware of my presence in my body. I become aware that early on, my hand loses the sensation of holding the crystal. Does the brain register it as something "normal" that has been there for a while and offers no threat and soon passes under the threshhold of sensation? The mind takes little side trips, but soon returns to present awareness. I become aware that I have lost awareness for some time, bring the mind back to center. Becoming aware of beads of sweat popping out on forehead and upper lip. I become aware that I am imagining writing about my meditation experience, starting to write down the date at the top of the page, not knowing what date it is. What part of my mind is unaware of the calendar date? I become aware that the timer is about to ring, open my eyes, six seconds to go. Beep, beep, beep.

Morning, 7/12/07

2007-07-14T16:38:00.001-07:00

Sitting to meditate, I notice that my sinuses are congested. I stop the timer, get up, and blow my nose. I reseat myself with a blanket around my shoulders, holding a crystal to ground me and as an aid in bringing me back to the present when my mind wanders. And wander it does. In the sleepy state of early morning I am slow to recognize when it has wandered. But, when I do, I bring it back. Several episodes of drifting into a sleep state, body slumping. When the awareness comes of what has happened, I bring myself back to center, adjust posture, and continue.

Early Morning

2007-06-26T15:28:00.001-07:00

I amke myself comfortable by draping a blanket over myself like a shawl. The blanket does help keep me warm and make me feel grounded. I find myself drifting into a forward slumping posture, or non-posture. I don't realize this is happening until I suddenly catch myself. One time I slumped to the left side. Mind wanders, as it will, and I continually bring it back.

Evening

2007-05-31T02:05:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the meditation room. I notice that my mind is rehashing conversations from the day, with some amusement. So this may be entertainment for the mind. I am aware of the words in my head, like a voice, not audible, but just thoughts. I am thinking in words tonight. And then when I am able to detach from the train of thoughts for a few seconds and just rest in the experience of the moment, my breath, my feelings of sitting here, my evaluation voice comes up, "Oh, here we go, we're doing good now," which of course is not resting in the experience; it's judging and evaluating the experience. And then I got caught in thinking about what I might write after the meditation. Thinking about writing about my meditation experience is neither meditation nor writing . I notice the sound of the water running on the lawn outside, a sort of pulsing whoosh, the rhythmic sound of the droning train engine and the clacking of the wheels on the rails, the rhythm of my heartbeat. I notice small muscle twitches in my face. And then, as I begin to feel like I'm settling, the thoughts no longer dominating my experience, the timer goes off.

Evening

2007-05-30T02:26:00.000-07:00

Sitting on the ottoman in the basement bedroom. The cat sits beside me and starts to purr. Feeling of comfort with him sitting beside me. I try to find the balance between being calm and alert, sitting straight and relaxing. I find myself slowly sinking into a slump. When I become aware this is happening, I make a small adjustment to straighten my spine and relax in that position. This happens over and over again. I notice that my breath comes easier when I am sitting straight. I become aware that I am clenching my jaw, and relax it. The room begins to feel cool, and I shiver. Thoughts of my swollen ankles. Thoughts of painting the furniture white. Almost falling asleep, losing awareness, and bringing myself back to awareness.

Off the Cushion

2007-05-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

This morning I exited the bookstore and walked toward my car, thinking about writing, how it proceeds well as I write little by little, a little each day. Things seem to go along day by day without the necessity of the goal of a large project. I see how many things in life are like that: cleaning the house, exercising, meditation. When I tried to put my KIA key in the car, it wouldn't fit. I looked at the car; it's the same color of blue; the wheels look the same; there's stuff in the passenger seat like there is in my car. But, that's not my stuff. Oh, this is a Honda, not a KIA. My attention to finding my car had wandered while thinking about writing, a small wake-up call.

Evening

2007-05-10T00:33:00.000-07:00

Before sitting to meditate, I had been reading a book about organic gardening. Thoughts come up about how I could make the back yard into an organic garden. Thoughts about composting, pest control. The cat comes in the room with me. I hear him walking around exploring this room that he doesn't often enter. And then he, like I, begins to settle down. Hearing ringing in my ears, my heart beating. Feeling my forward slump as a crowding of internal organs. I adjust my posture, and as I sit up straight, the organs feel less pinched and confined. Just as I think it might be time for the timer to go off, it does. I open my eyes to see the cat sleeping on the bed pillow.

Morning

2007-05-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

Feeling relaxed and comfortable today, knowing I have enough time. The content of my dream comes to mind. Thoughts about the purpose of meditation. My breath seems never to come naturally, but seems controlled. Hearing the water heater go into a heating cycle, popping and gurgling, my stomach too. Heartbeat seems more relaxed, seems more to be felt than heard today. Momentary itching around my left eye. Thoughts that writing helps me to cultivate attention. I extend that attention from the time I am sitting and writing into my daily life.

Morning

2007-05-08T00:11:00.000-07:00

The flowers on my altar are wilted. I may get a potted plant to place there, something that will live for a while. I light candles and sit. Mind doesn't want to settle, flits from thought to thought, wants to get running with my day. Hear the pounding of hammer strokes, the steady regular heartbeat. Feel the sun shining through the east window, my regular breaths, and then a deep sigh, giving up the tension of restlessness.